Sometimes I feel as though I have words spilling out of every crevice and at other times, I revel in my safety with academic writing as I don’t truly have to give all of myself to it. I reckon 10-year old me wouldn’t be able to comprehend this sensation. It’s a completely foreign feeling to stare at a page for days willing myself to simply write something I enjoy. I wonder if it’s the case of losing my writing voice, whether the mix between reviews, blog posts and academic writing has merged into one big mess of words.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who spoke about feeling this too. That often school can squash imagination in the most terrifying of ways. We spoke about whether you can ever truly get it back. I think we both are so in love with literature and language that the thought that we can’t access or understand it anymore is frightening. A lot of this has to do with being busy and often, during times of stress, you lose sight of what is important to you.
I know this is important. My words often feel like my defining factor and if I don’t feel as though they represent me, I worry I don’t know who I am. Also, in September I will be embarking on a literature degree which has been my dream since I was 14. I hope I will be able to find the balance between learning to love words again through blog-posts and poetry and exceling at academic writing. There’s something therapeutic in writing for me and the thought of not having that crutch is scary.
I’m not entirely sure how I become the writer I was last year, last month or even last week. I don’t think I ever can. But that loss doesn’t have to be a negative. Yes, I feel nostalgia and a little bit of pain but the change could ultimately be good. I am not 16 year old me anymore and my writing parallels my growing up.
I do feel as though I have lost my way but I don’t believe it’s irretrievable. There are golden moments where I truly think I’ve stumbled upon writing that sums me up. I’m making the conscious choice to work for this. Poetry prompts and all. I think that’s the most important part. To work for this. I stumbled upon a quote that said “If it’s really true love, it will find a way to come back to you.” but this, this I am willing to chase.